humility

I'm not on call tonight. No one can call and ask me impossible questions, no 3 am driving to the hospital for tiny preemie twins, no setting my alarm in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I've just been feeling kinda tired.

Tonight, I have time to eat cheesecake, snuggle my dogs, watch TV and catch up on my favorite blogs. So, I just read a post from Michelle Au's The Underwear Drawer, which is hands down my favorite medical blog. She doesn't post as often as she once did, but I still love her blog. I often go back to old posts. They bring me back to the harrowing adventure that is medical training. Today, she listed five books that she would recommend to medical trainees. The two I've read are great, and the other three I'm about to order on Amazon.

The main thing I took from the column was that you can never be too humble. My boss reminded me the other day when I got a little snarky with a colleague. He isn't perfect on the humility front, but he's definitely at least as far ahead as you would think fifteen more years of experience would put him.

He tells me my mistakes when I miss them, and I learn from him and the mistakes. Sometimes it takes more than once. I've been lucky, none of my medical mistakes have caused any permanent harm, as far as I know. That possibility of causing harm is definitely a source of an undercurrent of fear, and abject terror at times.

The humility thing is hard to learn. I was definitely born with my fair share, and have plenty of failure to remind me to be humble. However, to get to this job you have to be successful--at tests and courses, at interviews and procedures. You have to have done a bunch of stuff right. Then you go and train at "the best" places, and it reinforces your unearned confidence.

Anyway, I'm working on it... Realizing I might be on the wrong track earlier and asking for help, because I am far from perfect. The other thing I'm working on is not interrupting people and not being too emotional when I'm tired, hungry or just frustrated. Seems like basic kindergarten stuff, but it's stuff at which I fail.

Well, go Ravens! Hope you're having as relaxing of a night as I am.

Time again for my twice a year post...

What a slacker. In my defense, the last 6 months have been a little busy... Started first real job July 1st, got engaged July 2nd, married October 6th, first Christmas as a stepmother, took my neonatology boards, and *poof* here I am. There is no next thing, no more steps to finish.

Married!

For as long as I can remember I've been waiting for the next step. Finish SATs, finish high school, MCATs, college, med school, step 1+2 boards, internship, step 3 boards, residency, pediatric boards, fellowship, neonatology boards. I'm no longer waiting to finish anything. I guess it's time to start my life.


It makes things finally feel real to be finished with all of those milestones, and the more I think about the more proud, and less adrift I feel (assuming I passed those miserable neonatology boards, we'll see...). It also makes me feel a little more pressure to be better at life. I'll be 34 next month and I feel like a student still on most days. While I'm actually doing my job, I feel like a grown up doctor; but even at lunch I feel like the kid at the table. It may be partly because my boss was one of my mentors when I was a resident. He was with me the first time I did a lumbar puncture on a newborn, and I can still hear his supportive voice giving pointers. I guess he and I will have to get used to our new roles as colleagues.

Anyway, time to rally the troops for a jam-packed Saturday--morning hike for the people, dogs to swimming in afternoon, and dinner with a great friend tonight. Oh, and I'll try to post more like weekly, instead of semiannually...